the sun is beaming in on my monitar; i can hardly see the screen. i am half asleep still. the sleeping pills linger. i saw nick for a moment last night, and gave him one. i wonder if it worked for him? he has the same sleeping problems and stomach problems as i do.

i haven't spent time with paul in a while. he came by on new years eve and things didn't go well. hilton and nick were not pleased that he was there...they knew that he and i were having some problems and assumed the worst. they were only trying to look out for me. hilton was out of line, though. he gets that way when he is drunk. nick wasn't drunk, however. he was just upset that paul has bothered by how upset i have been since paul and i started having issues. that's all over now, though. paul and i have talked about this.

speaking of paul, his attitude..it has changed completely since that night. he is so much more pleasant, mature, and positive. it is nice. talking to him is so much easier and less draining. i know it sounds selfish, but i need a man who is more stable than i am. i have so many issues to deal with, it is hard to be the stronger person. and knowing that paul was constantly down was so draining. i even felt the need to avoid him for a while because of that. it was like poison, no matter how much i missed him in other ways. hopefully now he and i can get to know each other again, like we did when we first met back in august. two people shouldn't be together if they are just poisoning each other...like i said in previous entries...sometimes love is toxic.

but...i have a good feeling lately, like things are going to change. (yes, i know..things only change if you made them change.) well...cheers to a new year, i suppose.

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