mood: sleepy & thankful.
it is hard for me to admit things like this. i know that i am unreliable to so many of my friends. i break plans so often, and never realize jsut how much it hurts the people involved in said plans.
it isn't htat i am an inconsiderate person. it really isn't. or maybe i am, but honestly i consider myself loving and thoughtful. i have begun to make a huge change in regards to my social and lifestyle habits. this is the first aspect that needs some serious touching up.
i'm not trying to make excuses for my past mistakes, but i can explain the reasoning behind a lot of my seemingly indifferent attitudes: for the past 2 years, i have developed many survival tools. at one point in my life, i hardly made it through each day. i felt manipulated, overemotional, and far too sensitive for my own good. i felt that these traits were the reason i felt so much pain and confusing. so, i decided to become somewhat cold and far too independant.
ask anyone who knew me before 2000. i wasn't like this. i wasn't distant, antisocial, or overly cautious with emotion. i wish some of the people in my life today had known me then.
i wish i hadn't taught myself to turn a blind eye so often. but, then again, if i hadn't razed these walls, i would probably be dead by now.
back in the day...