have been very sleepy lately. think it is the pills (prescribed). got a tattoo on tuesday, on lower back...a butterfly with blackworks on sides.

am confused about love life. josh is clingy, jealous, smothering. nick is undecided, unsure, defeatist. josh is scared to make love to me, i want to badly. matt points out that josh may be more controlling after we make love. matt may be right. josh fears he cannot satify me, claims his lack of experience is to blame. he is not quite as self-aware and/or assertive as i require in a lover. nick is talking of moving to arizona still. this complicates things, but would be for the better (minus the constant drinking, partying he will do in tempe..v. bad)

matt and i are talking nasty again today, talk of oral esx, and past good times. he calls me sunshine, hun...it makes me want to hug him. he is a confused guy. arent we all?

work is eventless, i am bored. can hardly sit, ass/tattoo is irritable. no work to do, catherine is updating database for the events calender...my sole responsibility is void.

going out for dinner/drinks with nick tonight, 6 pm. discuss things? prob not. flirty? yes. he doesnt like the idea of my 4th tattoo. good thing he isnt my dad, hmm? (i find myself saying that of men a lot lately, disturbing.) drinks, no cigs, and laughs...have to hide it from josh tho, he would be upset. he doesnt understand, prob because i cant explain it to him. cant explain it at all.

need to learn to articulate emotions/thoughts better verbally.

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