this is a letter i wrote to nick this afternoon. i don't know why i put it here, but i did. weird. Dear Nick,

I am writing because I need to get this out of my system, and you are the only person I feel comfortable with enough to say these things to. I hope that you don't mind my venting, and I hope that you might be able to conjure up a few words of advice or support in response.

I am feeling very down on myself right now, and it is really bothersome. I should be feeling good, because I am finally getting to write for a newspaper, etc, and I am doing well with it. But, still, I feel awful.

I feel as if people have no respect for me, and I feel that it is my own fault. I believe that I am an annoying person, someone who people do not enjoy the company of. It seems as if the people who I really care about do not feel the same, and that I am not fully important to anyone except my mother and someone else whom I will not name for the sake of your feelings.

You say that you care a lot for me, and even that you have feelings for me that you do not want to act on. I find that hard to believe because of your actions. If someone cares for another person, they normally would do things to prove this, and let the other person know. FOr example, when I page or email you and you do not respond, it makes me feel as if you don't care how I feel. You ignoring me has a profound effect on our relationship. I know that you are busy, but a simple responmse only takes moments, and it means a lot: it means that you care about my feelings and that you don't only care about yourself.

I am assuming that you harbor a great deal of resentment towards me for the way I treated you when we were together. I know that at times I tried to run your life, and I think you fear that still. I think that you see me as excessive in calling and contacting you, but you take it in the most negative way. I wish you would see it as it really is: you are my best friend and I have a hard time with things sometimes. You are the person who helps me out the most, and if that is not something you have the desire to be part of, you need to be straight forward and tell me that. As for the resentment, you need to either move on and forgive and forget, or you need to remove me from your life completely. That resentment isnt healthy for you or me. If you cannot put that aside and start from scratch with me, be it as a friend or a mate, we will never get along the way we want to, and things will always be sketchy. I am not saying that I have fixed all of my flaws, but I have forgiven and forgotten as much as I can (the Erika games, the broken promises, the lies, the times you pushed me away when i was very in need of your friendship). If you want anything to do with me, and I know you do, you need to stop resenting me and be straight up.

We are both adults, and we have our own lives. We have our own friends, our own goals, problems, and dreams. We have things together too, we have the love for travel, we used to have dreams and goals that involved each other, we have a very tight, unexplainable bond, we have our kitties, we have some beautiful memories, we have our own little codes for things....we have something very special and one of a kind. We have the ingrediants for a wonderful relationship, we just both have some issues to work out. Good things always take work, the best things in life cause pain at some points, and ar a struggle. Real love and friendships can make it through anything.

I wish that you would be honest and open with me, and tell me exactly why you treat me the way you do. I know that you don't always respond to everyone, but I honestly thought that i was more than just "someone" to you. I don't know why, but it is really affecting my self-worth and my respect for you. I know that you hurt inside, and stress, and have so much pain and anger towards your father, and I understand that alot of your faults stem from that. BUT, my understanding of that doesn't benefit me any....it doesn't make it hurt less when you blow me off or when you tip-toe around things or avoid me. I wish you would really realize the importance of this idea.

I am a very sensative woman. My heart is my center, and I am very much about love. I care for people, and want to take care of people. Nothing makes me feel better about myself as when I make someone smile or laugh. When I see someone look at me and smile because of something I did, i feel complete. I think that is what makes me get hurt. When I do things that I think will make someone happy, and it doesn't, I get mad. Weird, I know. I have a real problem with rejection. It hurts me deep.

I think I deserve someone who can treat me like I want to be treated. I am very loyal and faithful, and believe it or not, I am very very trusting now. I have undergone a lot of change over the past year, and I think if you gave it a chance, you would love the new and improved Amy. My heart is in the right place, I have good intentions. I love people, I love my friends, my family, and everyone I meet automatically. I don't prejudge, I give anyone a chance. I am cuddley, loving, giving, honest, silly, fun, adventureous, I'll make a good mom someday, yet I am still alone and the man I love doesn't show me any respect half of the time. It is just so unfair, and that is why I sometimes feel like killing myself. I am nearly 26 years old, and only have had glimpses of happiness. WHen I met you, you introduced me to real love and happiness. I know I tok it away from myself when I turned jealous and controlling. I learned tho, and will never be that way again...for my sake and the other person involved. I could tell you until I'm blue in the face: I need you to trust me when I say that if you only believed, I could be that wonderful Amy that you loved soo soo much. Do you still think that you really loved me? Or was it lust? Or puppy love?

Either way, you were my first love. And stiill are. You are that love that people always talk about .....that person who always will have your heart.

I'm in a lot of pain. I feel ignored, pathetic, lonely, cheated, inhuman, and scared. It's not all your fault, I'm not saying that. I am just saying that I need you, and hope that you might try to help me? I'm sorry if that is asking a lot of you, I know that you don't have much excess energy, but maybe you can direct some towards me? You don't know how much that would me to me, not just for today but for my future. I feel hollow, and I beg of you, please...if you do care for me, please use everything in you to show me, otherwise I will have to cut you out of my life. It is too painful to be involved in your web of confusion without you at least focusing a bit of your energy on me.

I don't know why I feel so close to you, or why I continue to trust you with my heart, but I do. I see all of the wonderfuil things in you and look past every single bad thing. I do not have a bad image of you, nor do I EVER speak poorly of you. I stick up for you ALL OF THE TIME. No one gets away with downtalking you in front of me, no one. NO matter what. I see you as a beautiful man who I want to have children with someday and who I want to grow old with. I see you as a smart, important, interesting, fun, beautiful, strong, loving man. I would be honored to be yourgirlfriend again someday. But first, you need to tighten up your grip on me, before I just float away. I don't want to float away.

Yours,

Amy

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