mood:
music: billie holiday
today is columbus day, and i have the day off. paid holidays make me happy.
today i will go for a long walk, it is quite sunny and nice out. i feel so alive and happy when i go on these walks this time of year. autumn is by far my preferred time of year. for the first time in years, though, i actually feel happy and not suicidal.
let me explain the suicidal thing:
since about 2 years ago, i have harbored this feeling of hopelessness. i have felt like my life was useless, pointless, and always going to be less than joyful. for a long time, i lost the ability to feel excited. nothing felt real to me, i was on autopilot. my smiles were contrived, my eyes were blank behind the brown. my heart felt nothing but fear and disappointment.
since about 8 months ago, i have grown in many ways. my eyes have come back to life, my heart now feels excitement, and my soul doesn't want to die. i don't feel hopeless anymore, and i actually find myself wanting to live for many more years. i still have no fear of death, but i lost the fear of life. it is a wonderful thing really, i can smile now, knowing that i am going to be okay. suicide is now quite uninviting to me. tomorrow is what i want.
i suppose that i have only myself to thank, for all of the effort i have put into changing myself, and for the strength that i have found. but, i can't help but feel thankful to barb and effexor. seriously, without this shit, i am afraid i would still be crying myself to sleep, or swollowing sleeping pills with nyquil. i feel so much better.
i've even "opened my heart" up again. i had tried and tried to permenantly seal it off, in hopes of never feeling hurt like that of nicks games again, but i find myself opening it up lately. i have met someone who doesn't scare me, who really seems to want from me what i want from him...just to be close and enjoy one another. (ack, it is so much more than that, but i don't feel like typing anymore.)
life is good.
day off