mood: thoughtful/retrospective/aspiring
is it that i feel as if i've been asleep for years? or did i melt into the relationship/him/us?
the fear is one of settling, of getting involved too soon. i think of apperaing desperate, though i know i'm not. i fear looking like a fool, though i know i'm far from that.
having so much to say and pushing away every person who wants to hear it.
i won't/can't let that happen this time. i could be assuming/dreaming that he's different. these are the thoughts/feelings that put me here to begin with.
do you swallow the lump and just trust or do you tiptoe your way into things, only turning the walls down a notch at a time?
appearing geniune, he draws me in. appearing interested, i naturally back up/away. the games that i hate are the games that i play. i had a good coach.
lifelong, natural, comfortable, sweet, smart, true, interested, divine... i'll keep my fingers crossed.
unable to take my own advice, i watch the movie alone. i cry only behind closed doors, and choke on the tears otherwise.
i pretend, i conform, i hold it back in fear of coming off as too intense. instead, i come off as shallow/uninterested/aloof.
"you seem like you might be a heartbreaker." if you only knew.
fine observation skills you've got there.
fear of starting over again and embarrassing myself, yet the longing to be myself completely. double-edged sword.
randomly considering why he'd want me, i wonder what the motives might be. i wonder... sex? maybe. it would only be karma. bad/good karma.
proceed with caution. step on toes no more, lady. be careful with his and yours; hearts/egos.
friends with him, though they've shared only drinks, not secrets. isn't that what friends are all about anyway?
secrets/desires/sins/questions/comfort/respect. they've only shared beers. and lusts.
don't mess this one up, lady. just don't. though it may not be what you want/desire/need, you never know. until you try. a real try, not a scared, pathetic, weak try.
don't sell yourself short.
back to being asleep for years..
it's true. years. a decade even. welcome back, lady. wake up & do what feels right.
*************
talking/thinking to myself, i remember all the passions i had at one time, and realized that i let relationships overtake everything else inside of me. i used to be able to feel excitement about books, about art, about travel, about meeting new people, about myself. these days, i am waking up and scrubbing the sleep out of my proverbial eyes. it's like reuniting with a long lost friend, except there are no hugs involved. just tears, concern, anticipation, longing, confusion, fear, and general hesitance.
today/yesterday/tomorrow is a new day. and that whole "seize the day" thing? consider the day seized.
it's like caffeine for the soul & mind.