i just don't like who i am anymore. i am very unhappy and confused about almost every aspect of my life. nothing is straightforward, nothing makes sense to me. i hate to sound so whiney and emo, but it's what's coming naturally right now. i feel that i won't be happy until things are squared away with nick, and until i am physically in tiptop shape. i feel like a teary blob, i feel like i am special to no one, and i feel like the only way to stop this constant pain and worry is to take too many pills and never wake again. each day proves to be painful in a different way, and each step i take to improve myself seems to backfire with a bit more and new pain.

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