i had a hard tome falling asleep last night.

i work at 5:30 a.m. to an anxious alarm ringing in my ear. as i laid in my cold, queen-size bed, myriad thoughts circled my mind.

i comtemplated what i would say to him. i thought + rethought the tone in which i would speak these chosen words. at one point, i considered forgoing the scheduled intervention, but inside i knew i had to be there. i wanted to be there. after all, he is more of a father to me than anyone i have known.

in these past five years, he has been a source of smiles, laughter, comfort, support, understanding, education, and forgiveness.

i thought to myself as i washed my hair in the bathtub while waiting for kelly to pick me up:

-i owe him this. he deserves all the truth + support i can offer.

-i deserve this. it is unfair for me to have to cover for him when he is drunk while seeing appointments/doing surgery. it's not fair to me that he puts me in the position he does when he comes in smelling of gin and expects me to pretend i don't notice. and expects me to lie to clients who ask me, "has that doctor been drinking?"

-his family asked me to be there for a reason. they know that my support and honesty can make a difference in saving the life of their husband/father/brother/son-in-law.

i'm going to stop now. if i go on about this, i will go on forever. just a short synopsis of how the actual intervention went:

[preface: his wife set up an 11:30 am flight to a treatment center in virginia, specializing in professionals in the medical field who suffer from addictions + chemical dependancies. if he refused to go to this clinic, she had divorce papers ready to be signed. also, maine's head of the american veterinary medicine association was to be at the intervention. he he refused, there would be talk of him losing his license to practice medicine. also, the staff would no longer cover for him to clients and we would no longer enable him to behave this way.]

he said no. he said he would not let us tell him what to do. he refused to go to virginia. he got angry and defensive. his 17-year-old daughter said she would say goodbye to him until he was sober 3 years if he didn't go. she ended up saying goodbye. the papers will be signed for the divorce on thursday. the board will be notified. the staff will no longer look at him the same way, of course, as we are continuing to work with him on a day to day basis.

he admits he has a drinking problem. he says he hasn't had a drink in a week. he is very angry and stubborn. he wants to do this on his own by way of AA meetings and outpatient detox. he wants us to trust him again. he wants his family to love him and support him and just forgive him right off, even though the past has been filled with lies.

okay i am really going to shut up now. my eyes have found tears again, which is something new to me. i hadn't cried heartfelt tears in a long while. in a way, the tears feel nice, but the issue is one i'd rather forget for the time being.

thanks for taking the time to read my rant. xox

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